Sometimes.

Sometimes, I can't say what it is, I feel as though everything is perfect. Even if something bad happened. Say, like what I posted last. About Yolanda. I yearn for her to be here, to hold Sophia, but I think she holds her closer now, and maybe that's the reason. Here, the oxygen tank would have been in the way. There, she can be as close to her soul as she wants.

Sometimes, again, I can't say what it is, but it all creeps up on me, and I can feel those fingers of desolution trying to touch me. How close I could come to that desolution. And I realize what is happening & try to snap out of it with a nice thought. Something to keep me going. Something to remind me that I have a home, I have love. I may not have everything I want, physically, but isn't a loving home so much more than those things could ever be?

Sometimes I think I've lost my sexiness. I've had a child & I've got weight to lose, and I look in the mirror and with unconcious thoughts convince myself that I'm NOT any of the things that I ever thought I was. Just this husk. To do the things necessary & nothing more. Then I turn around & I'm laying on the couch & he pulls me in & it starts, it stays & doesn't go away....the spark & motivation fill me again, to do my hair, to dress with flair, to be & stay turned on.