Forgive me...
I don't know if this is the right path to take. I don't know that I should romanticize the past. I wish I could take some time and sit down and really think and maybe right a short book. But really when I look below and try to call these memoirs, I don't know. It seems wrong. So, I'm going to start with the more recent past. I'm going to fast forward myself to the present in this blog. So that I can log the life now, the happiness and sorrow, the love & all the life. I yearn to talk about how beautiful things are now. No matter how hard. The sun is still rising as is the moon. We all had to teethe. We all have to skin our knee.
Yolanda. She looked into my eyes the last time I ever saw her, like it's all that she could do. She held my hand & let me put her socks on. I know all she wanted was to go outside. They wouldn't let her. She was in intensive care at the hospital. My new love, Louis, he called me today at work and needed to go see his Mama. She was refusing everything. Food, drink, medicine, help. She was giving up. I brought him whiskey at his request & came to the rescue. He couldn't handle it. He sobbed and sobbed and broke, and broke apart some more, he is still breaking. On the way out, he gave me a key and told me to go back and give it to her and tell her that she had the key to her son's heart. And it's true, I believe it. With much anxiety, I got myself back into intensive care & she was half asleep. I woke her up and gave her the key and said to her that it was the key to Sonny's heart. She gave me this look, like ok, and nodded and closed her hand around the key. And layed back down to sleep.
I wish I knew her better that day. I wish I had the balls to tell her that she should keep going, and not give up. That things would be better, we would be there for her. Maybe that's what she was thinking when she stared into my soul. Was that I would be there for her troubled son. Maybe that gave her peace. I hope so. she passed while I was in the desert, I was on a work trip & visited my cousin. We went to the desert & I walked out and sat on a rock far from everyone. I could feel her in the breeze and on the horizon all around. Moments later, Sonny called & affirmed what I had thought. I wished I had been there for him at that moment. She was gone.
The guilt of not having done right by her while she was here is tearing him apart. I tell him that he needs to live life right & do right by Sophia & that she can see that & knows that he loves her fiercely.
There's not much words can do when someone is tormented.
Yolanda, we love you. Your grand daughter loves you & I think she'll be a spitfire like you. She sees you in corners of the room when you visit. I know you visit too. Sonny's big brother Andrew said his daughter sees you too. Your Son, with better timing would have taken care of you. I'm sorry it happened too late. But I will take care of him until the end. You were right what you saw in my eyes. I love him fiercely. I try to remind him that you are inside of him, that he is half of you. That you are proud.
Yolanda. She looked into my eyes the last time I ever saw her, like it's all that she could do. She held my hand & let me put her socks on. I know all she wanted was to go outside. They wouldn't let her. She was in intensive care at the hospital. My new love, Louis, he called me today at work and needed to go see his Mama. She was refusing everything. Food, drink, medicine, help. She was giving up. I brought him whiskey at his request & came to the rescue. He couldn't handle it. He sobbed and sobbed and broke, and broke apart some more, he is still breaking. On the way out, he gave me a key and told me to go back and give it to her and tell her that she had the key to her son's heart. And it's true, I believe it. With much anxiety, I got myself back into intensive care & she was half asleep. I woke her up and gave her the key and said to her that it was the key to Sonny's heart. She gave me this look, like ok, and nodded and closed her hand around the key. And layed back down to sleep.
I wish I knew her better that day. I wish I had the balls to tell her that she should keep going, and not give up. That things would be better, we would be there for her. Maybe that's what she was thinking when she stared into my soul. Was that I would be there for her troubled son. Maybe that gave her peace. I hope so. she passed while I was in the desert, I was on a work trip & visited my cousin. We went to the desert & I walked out and sat on a rock far from everyone. I could feel her in the breeze and on the horizon all around. Moments later, Sonny called & affirmed what I had thought. I wished I had been there for him at that moment. She was gone.
The guilt of not having done right by her while she was here is tearing him apart. I tell him that he needs to live life right & do right by Sophia & that she can see that & knows that he loves her fiercely.
There's not much words can do when someone is tormented.
Yolanda, we love you. Your grand daughter loves you & I think she'll be a spitfire like you. She sees you in corners of the room when you visit. I know you visit too. Sonny's big brother Andrew said his daughter sees you too. Your Son, with better timing would have taken care of you. I'm sorry it happened too late. But I will take care of him until the end. You were right what you saw in my eyes. I love him fiercely. I try to remind him that you are inside of him, that he is half of you. That you are proud.
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