3RD & T
I learned a lot from Jim. How to wash my bike... all about the Delta, how to fix my truck, how to install a transmission, how to cook some stuff, to love the things he loved. How to be, in a way, nuts. But most importantly, how to be alone. How to wait. How to relish it, revel in it, and know that no matter what, that you don't need anyone. I learned how not to go out, those people are stupid anyway, right? All my friends, my family, they're all dumb, not necessary. All I need is me... and Jim. And that's how it would have always been.
An egomaniacal, psychotic male. Who loves me. Intense and beautiful, but behind bars.
I learned how to rely on him. Only him. Learned that a little pain in the sack is great. I learned about myself, about how to make myself more like him. I grew up. I learned how to dig a great cavern in my soul, of angst, of wanting, of being unsure to the last drop. I learned how to be scared for my life if anyone ever found out..... how to have hate.....I learned that if you become impregnated by a married man, it doesn't mean that he'll do anything at all past trying to help pay for the abortion / and that's really just a maybe, because how will he explain $300 to his wife? Banking on a future that would never happen.
The greatest thing I learned of all.... was how people feel when they are in the same situation. Hindsight.... I learned that if I never would have let my morals down, I would have saved myself a lot of hurt, would have saved the whole five years from happening. Because whether I did or didn't make love to him, the outcome would have been the same. I, on the other hand, would not be the same. That fucker impacted my soul to the core, and I miss him to this day. I love him, I hate him, I think about him. But I know now, that the time we spent was all I needed. I don't need him anymore. He is inside of me... like a parent I never knew, would be. He molded me. Turned me into a perfect lover for himself... in order NOT to have me.
An egomaniacal, psychotic male. Who loves me. Intense and beautiful, but behind bars.
I learned how to rely on him. Only him. Learned that a little pain in the sack is great. I learned about myself, about how to make myself more like him. I grew up. I learned how to dig a great cavern in my soul, of angst, of wanting, of being unsure to the last drop. I learned how to be scared for my life if anyone ever found out..... how to have hate.....I learned that if you become impregnated by a married man, it doesn't mean that he'll do anything at all past trying to help pay for the abortion / and that's really just a maybe, because how will he explain $300 to his wife? Banking on a future that would never happen.
The greatest thing I learned of all.... was how people feel when they are in the same situation. Hindsight.... I learned that if I never would have let my morals down, I would have saved myself a lot of hurt, would have saved the whole five years from happening. Because whether I did or didn't make love to him, the outcome would have been the same. I, on the other hand, would not be the same. That fucker impacted my soul to the core, and I miss him to this day. I love him, I hate him, I think about him. But I know now, that the time we spent was all I needed. I don't need him anymore. He is inside of me... like a parent I never knew, would be. He molded me. Turned me into a perfect lover for himself... in order NOT to have me.
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