Disgust and Anger...
I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I have hate in my soul. I guess there's always a little bit of that element there, if it wasn't there always, how could it ever manifest. It's the catalysts. I tell myself that I don't care, I tell other people that I don't care... that I'm cool with it, that it doesn't matter to me. UNTRUE. In a little goblin way, I'm upset. Although, it's manifesting itself it this really wild way... in my writing. I hate to give myself kudos, but it's more punchy than ever before. Except for the fact that I can't develop my kink story like I wish I could right now... maybe it's the setting - the office. If I were at home with my pj's on, touching myself, I could probably come up with a blow away story about kink, and perhaps I will one day. And I think that the change, the anger and disgust is what I needed. So there, in the end, it all works itself out. There is a reason for everything. EVERYTHING. The reason's are what we live for aren't they?
It's like you take the world for turning... circumstances may fail or be good to you, but you turn your head toward or away, your soul and your heart change and nothing can resume the way it once was... circumstance.
There are leaves in my yard, there are broken parts in the fence. I want to walk my dogs in the morning but it's cold. There is an anxiety in me about wanting to plant a bunch of seeds, I lost the season for it. There's tension between my Mother and I, there's freakish things going on in the universe. I cleaned my car. Except right in the middle, my quarters ran out and I had to drive off in a soapy car to get more money... There's a friend I can't speak with any longer, and friends that I haven't spoken to in so long, that I don't care to ever see again. There are times in my life I want back... things I think about that I should never think about. I want them, just not with the same person. I sometimes miss my estrangement period... I want that loneliness back, but it will never be the same. If I was ever lonely like that again, I would not ever speak another word. Because if I became lonely again, it would be due to the loss of the little family I'm creating. I would go directly inside, and never come out. I would like to have this trip to Boston come off without a hitch, will it? I need to encourage Sonny to write, so I have something to edit. I have something to say, but won't say it. I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses cause they don't buy pumpkins. I want to be fashionable on the outside, but don't have the money, so I'll just have to keep fashionable on the inside and fuck everyone else. I don't want to hear any of those songs anymore, but I do. I want that summertime feeling again, but we're headed right into the cold. Fuck you all and I love you just the same.
It's like you take the world for turning... circumstances may fail or be good to you, but you turn your head toward or away, your soul and your heart change and nothing can resume the way it once was... circumstance.
There are leaves in my yard, there are broken parts in the fence. I want to walk my dogs in the morning but it's cold. There is an anxiety in me about wanting to plant a bunch of seeds, I lost the season for it. There's tension between my Mother and I, there's freakish things going on in the universe. I cleaned my car. Except right in the middle, my quarters ran out and I had to drive off in a soapy car to get more money... There's a friend I can't speak with any longer, and friends that I haven't spoken to in so long, that I don't care to ever see again. There are times in my life I want back... things I think about that I should never think about. I want them, just not with the same person. I sometimes miss my estrangement period... I want that loneliness back, but it will never be the same. If I was ever lonely like that again, I would not ever speak another word. Because if I became lonely again, it would be due to the loss of the little family I'm creating. I would go directly inside, and never come out. I would like to have this trip to Boston come off without a hitch, will it? I need to encourage Sonny to write, so I have something to edit. I have something to say, but won't say it. I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses cause they don't buy pumpkins. I want to be fashionable on the outside, but don't have the money, so I'll just have to keep fashionable on the inside and fuck everyone else. I don't want to hear any of those songs anymore, but I do. I want that summertime feeling again, but we're headed right into the cold. Fuck you all and I love you just the same.
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